A Much-Needed Life Update

Blog-reading folks, I have not written in forever, and I give you my sincerest of apologies.

I have been way preoccupied with my job and fantastic romantic friend, Alan.

Labor Day weekend, we drove down to NC to visit my family, which was lovely but definitely stressful, and the weekend prior, my mother was up here visiting, which was really just wonderful, but busy-ish. I'm finally settling down for fall, hoping to have a lot more time to just relax and hang out than I have this summer--it has just been nuts! Though it's beginning to look like the next couple months, too, will be crazy.

I am totally loving my job, more and more each week. I definitely have a lot of work to do, but I am feeling even more like I just need to deal with it step by step, and the more I understand, the more possible it all seems that I can truly make a difference and actually enjoy this. I more or less like the people I work with. And despite some of the craziness of the Ryan Center, it is a place that I have some respect for, in terms of mission and intention. There are some fantastically hard-working people there, and things could certainly be a lot worse. Every day, I feel so incredibly fortunate to have found a job that I like as much as I do this one, and one that I feel fulfilled by, that can tap into all of my skills and abilities. I know that not everyone, and especially not everyone my age, is so lucky.

I'm finally also getting my room straightened out--I bought a lamp (immediately before the overhead bulb went out--what amazing timing!!), and a new Ikea bed base that makes my bed actually feel like a bed instead of a hard slab. I didn't realize what a different that would make either--I woke up this morning without the body pain I've become accustomed to (I didn't even recognize it as a problem).

So I'm excited. And as the heat is dying down, my room is more and more comfortable. Soon, I will be complaining about the cold. Oh, joy!

I know this is short, but I've got some Dexter to watch before sleepy-time. Here's to another wonderfully stressful (perfect amount of stress) week!

Longest Monday in Years

I guess I have a real job now--I'm heading home a bit after 8 (that was my cut-off point for myself, but I wanted to get more done), I got to work at 9am and I only took a 30 minute lunch. So I literally worked 10 and a half hours. I'm exhausted. And really frustrated everyone has a lot on their plate, and I'm not trying to put more. But I am working my ass off and people don't even call me back to let things start moving so that we can actually get credit for all the work we've been doing. If I weren't so exhausted, I'd scream.

I do get paid my new, big pay check this week. Hopefully that'll cheer me up a bit. But I'm just so tired!! And I want to talk to my mommy and see her, and she will be here when we're trying to tie things up with this huge year-end of a grant that is the reason I was at work for 3 extra hours.

Mostly I'm just upset that I am ending up being responsible for cleaning up other peoples messes. And now I'm pissy because seriously, iPhone??? You know your own name, but you won't let me type a possessive plural of people??! So I look like I don't know grammar, when it is YOU, my love, who lacks in their knowledge. Am I incorrect about that? Someone let me know. I'm done now, before I say anything too stupid. (hopefully haven't crossed that line).

Just be glad you're, my beloved friends, not near me physically right now. I'm simply not in a pleasant mood.

Best Week Ever!!

So far, srsly this has been the best week ever.

I've been super-busy, and haven't had time to update since the road trip, so here goes.

I got back Thursday night and had a fantastic and relaxing weekend with my sweetheart, then picked up my friend, Amy, to come stay for a few days and see NYC, interview for a few jobs, visit. We chatted Sunday night, then Monday morning I went to my first day at the new position, which is definitely exciting. I was so strongly nervous and psyched about it all that I felt like I was gonna throw up. In a good way??? I don't know how that exactly makes sense.

The first day was a bit overwhelming, but I also ended up feeling pretty confident that I'd excel and end up loving this job. I think it has the potential to push me maybe not to my limit, but far. I will learn a shit ton. I will never be bored. I will be working over 35 hours a week. That's really okay with me, at least right now.

Monday night, Amy and I met up with my friend, John and his roommate for drinks, as well as my friend, Ryan, who recently moved from New York. It was quite lovely to see them all and just catch up, laugh, and enjoy everyone's company. Though I did go to sleep kind of late.

Work the second day was more of first. Lots of policies and procedures (reading them, orienting myself). Then today just took off at work--I was in meetings from 10am until 3pm, then had to get shit together in the afternoon--very busy, I learned so much (I feel like a sponge!!), and I've also been in the process of organizing myself so that my calendar for work is connected to my phone and I can use it/access it when necessary, and then also I've begun creating to do lists and notes from things on my phone. It's becoming way more useful even than it had been before. Which, really, I wasn't sure was possible. Evidently, it was. Anyway, I didn't get a lunch time today, and ended up being at work until almost 7pm, partly because I was waiting for my friend, Natacha, with whom I was going to dinner. I did finish up some work, so the extra time was helpful.

Natacha and I went to dinner, and I'm only now heading home at after 11pm. So we had a wonderful conversation, and it was just really great to hang out with her after seeing friends from home to realize that I do have some people here who I very much love and enjoy hanging out with. And it was really rare to get time without kids or work being "in the way." But I do adore her children, so having them around isn't exactly in the way. Just a different kind of time together.

Anyway, I'm just feeling so lucky, and thinking about how wonderful my life is. My mom is coming in a few weeks, I have an eventful but not too packed weekend planned, and I really love the people in my life, both who visit me and who live here (though there are so many fewer of them). I am just basking in the glory of my fantastic (for now) life, savoring every moment of this. What a brilliant time!

Weekend with my Dada

It's nearly another weekend, which will surely be eventful as well as the last, but I wanted to share the adventures I had with my dad last weekend before they are swept away by the evil forgetfulness that plagues me.

So my dad was visiting last weekend, which I was excited about but hadn't really had time to plan anything for. So he got here in the middle of the day on Thursday, and I was able to leave from work early and then had taken the day off Friday.

We went back to my apartment, settled in a bit and looked for a place to eat. Looking around, there were several places in my awesome new neighborhood, but I happened upon Caracas, of which there is also a location that I'd been to in the East Village and immediately was thrilled about finding it and eating there. Immediately. They are a Venezuelan restaurant that has arepas (which are fried corn stuffed with deliciousness). So we went there, and it truly was amazing.

Friday we decided to head down to Downtown Brooklyn and ended up at the Transit Museum, which was remarkably awesome and fascinating. Plus you get to go into all the old cars!! Definitely one of the coolest museum experiences I've had in New York. We found a cheap but delicious Mediterranean place and then went to get some ice cream by Brooklyn Bridge Park, and sat in the park as the sun set, talking into the night and counting trains pass with the incredible, fantastic view of both the city and the Brooklyn Bridge. It was pretty magical. We got back to my neighborhood and ventured to Barcade (where they have tons of arcade games and lots of local beer, along with hordes of young people) to say goodbye to my dear friend, Ryan, who left to begin grad school in Nashville. I was quite proud of my dad for being so adventurous, as he was really by far the oldest person there.

Saturday, we actually made it out of Brooklyn. We woke up late and went into the city to check out the Museum of Art and Design, which was interesting and cool, but I was exhausted. Definitely the most visit-worthy part was the exhibit with pieces all made out of feathers, dead bees, dandelion seeds glued to LEDs, etc. That was pretty stellar. The rest was interesting, but for some reason I wasn't really drawn in. They also had huge touch screens where you could see all the pieces they had as a part of their permanent collection, and that was at least a pretty cool idea.

Then we went to see The Secret in their Eyes, a Spanish film that was one of the best movies I've seen in a long time. Artful, but also entertaining, riveting and appropriately distracting. Then, however, we made a terrible mistake. We went to Coney Island at night.

I had been to Coney Island before, but only in the day, and one of the times, I was mostly at Brighton Beach, which is just down the beach, and just walked through Coney Island. Another time, it was a concert. So I guess I hadn't really been to Coney Island. But it (I found out later) is one of the most dangerous areas in Brooklyn. Good job, Shannon, for taking your dad to the most dangerous area in Brooklyn. But whatever. We did end up surviving, despite seeing a fight (not physical) wherein a dude couldn't keep his shorts up and flashed us, as well as a woman, who appeared inebriated, be arrested. Without a doubt, it was an experience. Just not one I want to re-live.

Sunday, we decided to hang out in the morning, just around the apartment, and get some brunch. We went to a place down the street that was french, Le Barricou, which was delicious. And then we went to BargeMusic, chamber music on a barge. Quite cool. It's right by where we were Friday, the Brooklyn Bridge park. It's definitely one of my new favorite areas--beautiful and some cute restaurants.

Then Monday, dad left and I had to go to work. All in all an adventurous weekend. This weekend, I get another 3-day weekend, again with a friend, Matt. Fireworks from the roof! That's pretty much our only plan. Should be fun.

The Cross-City Move

I haven't written for quite some time, but I really have an excellent reason this time--last week, I moved both my office and my apartment. It was totally overwhelming. I'm exhausted (less so after the weekend, which was fairly restful).

I was, as you know if you've been keeping up with things on here, psyched about the move from Washington Heights, ghetto of Manhattan, to Williamsburg, hipsterville central of the US of A and Brooklyn. I am loving living in a neighborhood with so many restaurants and that is so close to pretty much everything. Yay L train!! And Brooklyn is kind of awesome. More laid-back than Manhattan, but still New York City. And my new apartment is so nice...!

I took a trip to Ikea on Friday afternoon because I was so anxious to have a sturdier bed than my airmatress (I moved in with no furniture, save for a hanging thing for clothes, since the room has no closet). But I quickly realized that I needed some help. Just another person. And though that irks my independent streak, it's just the truth. So I went home, a bit dejected and realizing that I would need some more planning.

I thought about going on Saturday, but had no one to help me. So I went to my friend, Ryan's, play, written by kids who stutter in an organization he's been working with for about a year. Another mutual friend was in town with a friend of his, so we all went. Lots of fun. At least, kind of interesting. I don't think I've ever really been around anyone who stutters, it was sort of wild to see so many kids in on place who all stutter. But it seems like really an awesome organization, giving a voice to kids who don't have one.

I was also busy last week with packing, moving, then going to a lesson on financial literacy for immigrants for a project I'm working with that's surveying Mexican immigrants to try and develop a microinsurance for them. It was also pretty cool, and exposure into this world of finance that I am really interested in, but haven't gotten much experience in. And research is research is research. That's the lesson I've learned. It's also great for my Spanish (though exhausting).

Oh AND I house-sat for my friend, Molly, and her husband in Queens last weekend. So really, things have been a bit insane. The office move is also a frustrating, as opposed to exciting, one. It's been confusing and frustrating and a move from an annex with a really different culture to the main building where the actual clinic is, and the culture is a bit more...restrictive.

Anyway, I did finally make it to Ikea on Sunday with my friend, Emma, where I purchased my first bed! And a dresser and desk. I excitedly began putting together the bed, though the excitement quickly turned to weariness, but I made it through and put together a more or less sturdy bed, all by myself! I also put together the "desk" (really just a table), and the dresser will have to wait until I can manage a screwdriver again. I also got some shelves and dark stain, which should be a fun project. Overall, I've actually had quite a fun time figuring out how to put all this together and making myself a cute little home all my own. Anyway, that's the update for now! Should be more updates and excitement soon--my dad's coming to visit this weekend, which I'm pretty excited about. So fun times!

Incongruence

I got in a disagreement with a coworker yesterday. It was really stupid (the disagreement), but it was one more straw on a stack that's building. And I wanted to lessen that, but instead I added my own stack.

I have been frustrated before about the sociological implications of my job, and my having more social power but not any more technical power in the work place. Maybe not articulated exactly that way, but that's how I see if now. But this truly takes the cake, AND I think I didn't realize how unaligned my view of the world is with several of the folks I work with. Now, we have several Case Managers (6?), several of whom I get along quite well with, at least I think. But there are two with whom I have seen more potential for difficulty--I'll call them R and C. Both of these women fall into the categories of black women who are former drug users, have cleaned up and gotten Bachelor's degrees, and a great union job. There is one other coworker who fits into this category (we'll call her B). But for whatever reason, I have seen R and C are much more intimidated?

So I have had not really any difficulty with C (though she can be frustrating to deal with), perhaps because I have skated around her as though I could see the ice cracking already. But I felt more comfortable with R from the beginning, which I think ironically made things more dangerous. Once EMR began and everyone started asking me questions about computers ALL THE TIME (not complaining, just noting), she would call me and I would answer, "What?" because I wanted people to get to the point. Not the most professional, I realize, but actually I think it was an attempt to communicate like my coworkers (in a joking way), just the way I interpreted it. Which was not appreciated. She informed me; I have not since answered any of her phone calls or yelling out from her desk with, "What?"

Then a few months ago, all of our supervisors were gone except for a very high-up supervisor, and I made the mistake? of telling him what I wad doing. R told me that he doesn't need to be involved in our business, that we do our own thing and keep to ourselves. Which, to me, is bizarre. I come from the assumption that authority is here to protect us, to make sure everything that needs to get done, does. Which really is what all this boils down to. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

So yesterday R comes over to me and asks in a very flustered manner what we were supposed to be doing with a particular list. I had created a set of directions to do what needed to be done (which she didn't actually know), but before I told her that, I did not want her to be mad. I mean, she can be mad, but I didn't want to be talking to someone who was so flustered, even as it was not directed towards me. So I made a huge mistake. Huge. And also very preventable, had I taken two seconds to think about it, and reacted to her as a person unlike me. But no, I told her to take a breath. Bad move. Did I make that clear yet??

She told me not to talk to her "like that," to never mind and walked away. Whoops. Now, part of me really wishes I just had never said anything. But I also feel frustrated in not being able to be myself. In not being around people who are self-assured enough to shrug off my telling them to take a breath, or who can take a breath and laugh, or whatever. My intention was not to infer that she did not know how to calm herself down, but that we all need a reminder sometimes. And also that I don't talk to people who are upset. I won't. That is my limit. And I was trying to convey that in as inoffensive way as possible. But I guess it backfired.

So what I realized it that there is just a huge incongruence in how I view authority an how R does. Asking our supervisor to mediate a conversation did not help. Why did I think it would? She spent the conversation telling me she thinks I look down on her (I actually believe "us" was the word used), and that she was concerned about her job because I brought our supervisor in (though the supervisor made quite clear that she was not there in a supervisory nor disciplinary manner). Despite being I a union. Despite having done nothing wrong. Certainly nothing punishment-worthy. Despite my actually asking HER for information about what I could do differently that would help. Despite all that, she felt threatened. And like I think I'm better than her. And that I have power that she does not. And you know what? She's right. Not about my being better than her, but that I have more power. I am affluent, if not in my finances, in my vocabulary, in my demeanor, in my confidence and sense of empowerment. And that all counts for a lot, and goes to show you that poverty is about a hell of a lot more than money. It is disturbing to me that an adult reacted as she did to the entire situation, but I have to remember that she's coming from such a different world. A world where adults and other figures of authority are not to be trusted, and do not have your best intentions in mind.

I am so lucky to not be from that world. But I'm living in it right now, and talk about culture shock, in truly the most depressing way possible. It is a world of no hope, and distrust of but unavoidable reliance upon authority figures. Fear, uncertainty and doubt. This is America, dystopia-style.

Life Updating

I've been a bit shallow on the life updates, and for that I apologize. It boils down to this--I have no idea what I'm doing, though I have quite a few options cooking, I just don't want to put them into a possibly-public arena. So you'll just have to find out from me directly :).

Here's what I will tell you: I'm moving to Brooklyn a week from tomorrow (yaaay!!) and if you couldn't tell, I'm pretty excited. The packing prospect is scaring the crap out of me though. I'm hoping I'll survive. Probably I will. The ridiculous part is that I don't even have much to move. But it just feels like a lot. And such a hassle. Blech. I'm hoping my excitement about moving to Williamsburg will carry me through. I'll also add that work has been a tad more fulfilling--I really felt like I helped a patient today, which was kind of awesome.

I do promise that once there are firm plans, I'll have major updates since I'll know exactly what I'll be doing (probably) in the next year or so. For now, limbo. Oh, what fun!

This would be my Facebook status if it weren't so long

Another New York City story. This one is kind of sad.

This morning was way busy at work (yay!), and I ended up going to the pharmacy with a client to get his medications. Well, we're in the Rite Aid, and as the pharmacist is explaining that the client will actually have to pay for one of the things, and it will cost maybe $4-6, he is saying he doesn't have $5, which is pathetic but probably true (at least sort of, like, at least not $5 to spare), and this older woman at the same moment is getting her reciept while picking up her prescription, and notes that the reciept is extremely long and what a waste of paper that is (wait until she looks at the printed information that you get with EVERY REFILL. Talk about wasted paper). But I was just so struck by the contrasted concerns--my patient upset because Medicaid won't pay $5 for something, and this woman totally distressed that the Rite Aid was wasting so much paper. Perfectly New York.

It's definitely sad. And also hilariously demonstrative of how effed up our country is. How much we waste and yet, can only help people a small bit. I also should note that today alone I had two patients say they think AIDS is a conspiracy by "them" to kill black people or make money by not using the cure that he was convinced they already have developed.

Sometimes I think I'm really naive. I totally give people the benefit of the doubt; assume they are logical. But actually, most people don't understand much about the world. Probably myself included. I try and explain to people that no one is actually out to get them. They probably don't believe me. Or, worse, think I'm "them." Not that I approve of how the world is or works. But the feeling and effects of dis-empowerment is quite striking.

SATC 2

Yesterday was my birthday, and the lovely Molly, for whom I am housesitting and who is generously and amazingly helping me move with the loaning of her husband and truck, took me to see Sex and the City 2. I had no idea Molly was into SATC, mostly because we've shared lots of our feminist ideals, and SATC has become less and less really feminist. But we went into it knowing it had awful reviews and would be terrifically horrible. We had no idea.

The main takeaway for me was that it could have been so good!! There were a few scenes that were actually quite touching and insightful--into the characters, into our society. And then there was all this random shit that happened. As if the producers went (Molly's words), "You know what, folks? This movie is going to make a butt-load, no matter what it is about. So let's make a list of things that would be cool to include, and we'll draw some out of a hat and just throw those in. Wouldn't that be fun??" The most awful part was a scene where the women do karaoke together--they sing "I Am Woman," which is not upbeat nor popular in the last 30 years. And just kind of dumb. What made it most tragic was the possibility--it could have been "I Will Survive" or something. Which is awesome and empowering, maybe not the right lyrics, but really fun. I'm sure they could've thought of something else. So that was frustrating.

It was also just really obnoxiously ostentatious to a completely unnecessary degree. And Carrie was way annoying, more-so than in the show or the first movie. And just generally all the complaints were so ridiculous. Their lives are all without any financial worries, and they can't figure out ways to make their live mean something? Just kind of stupid. Anyway, I'm still glad I saw it, if only for nostalgia.

Upper West Side

The Upper West Side is a funny place. My blogger app on the iPhone just deleted everything I wrote in the past 15 minutes. Awesome. I'll summarize--the UWS has lots of families, including mothers of infants and nannies of young children, all of whom gather at the new Whole Foods. Which is also where I eat lunch every day. I'm working on this. I brought my own lunch two days this week. Yay! Accomplishment! But it is still hard for me to stay away. It is too easy to just say, I'll go there. Though as it's warmer, I think I'll try to get to Central Park more often. So some of it is paying for a place to sit.

Anyhow, it is also an interesting (if sometimes obnoxious) place to people-watch. There are lots of children, and then their caretakers, who, as mentioned previously, are anything from new, young hip moms to nannies. The nannies are nearly always minorities, often older, always women. Sometimes there are families. It is always incredible how many people, in the middle of the day, are hanging out at Whole Foods. So. Many. Do these people not have jobs, I wonder? How? Can I do what they're doing? Obvs there are lots of folks on their lunch breaks. Recently, they've been census workers. Also lots of construction workers (there's a huge construction project going on all around). There are also often people sitting on laptops (mostly macs), engaging in some level of work. I want their jobs. But anyway. Today these few things collided in a new type of person. The parent who brings their kid to Whole Food to do work.

Before describing this woman, I should mention that New York City has a wide variety of dress styles. People can dress pretty slouchy and go unnoticed, more or less. There are just so many people. And no one cares. But this woman took slouchy to a whole new level. It looked not like she'd just rolled out of bed but that she'd been wearing the same outfit for a few days, probably not having showered for that whole time. I should mention she was white, as are many of the Whole Foods frequenters. And there was something very hippy about her--it was more intentional than accident that she seemed so unkempt. I can't put my finger on why I assume this. And maybe I'm wrong. But she had a computer. And a nice stroller. And she was white, quite honestly, and also in good shape (not overweight). Probably wearing sandals. Luke Chacos or something. I can't remember, but I wouldn't be surprised. Anyhow, when I first sat down, I saw a little blond child exploring the seat next to me where a young woman, maybe even in her late teens, sat, shooting me frequent uncomfortable glances, arms intentionally kept close to her body. She made sure not to give the child any encouragement, clearly not thrilled he was imposing on her space. It took me a bit, regardless, of observing the two of them interact to realize they were not together; he, oblivious to her very adult (or adolescent) body language saying, "uh, what?! are you doing here..."; she, unsure how to react to someone so inattentive to his or her child that they didn't notice her clear discomfort. Mostly it took time because there was no other adult anywere nearby who the child did seem attached to. Until the disheveled woman approached and nonchalantly noted, "if he gets annoying, just give me a wave, " before returning to the world of some networked world via her laptop, five tables over.

Cue look in my direction of severe discomfort.

I shrugged. Gave a look of uncertainty. What IS the ettiquite for people who disregard their children, at your expense?but the child wasn't bothering me. If he were, I'd be assertive, take his little hand and walk him back over to his mommy. The little boy grabbed the SmartWater bottle on the table. Uncomfortable young woman is finally motivated to do something besides give looks of alarm. She takes the bottle from him.

He left after a few minutes, toddled over to the trash cans and cleaning chemical cupboard (really. I come here every day) and began pulling down the sign, "This is NOT a trash can," that everyone disregards. In his defense, he did figure out how to put it back, placing the Velcro parts together. I guess someone has taught him to be responsible. More evidence to the intentionality of his mother's harried dress.

It was at this point I noticed that said child looked in line with his mother. Though to top off his severe bed-head, he wore a cloth diaper, or hippie-underwear, over his clothes. Which, really, is just kind of icky. It was probably clean. But still. Odd. Mom finished up whatever she was working on. The super-uncomfortable victim of the child's innocence and naivete of social norms left. All was well.

But the incident really does make me think about children, culture, acceptable behavior. The mother obviously was not paying attention to how her child was affecting others. And I don't think you should be paranoid about that, which is all too easy to do, but, really. It was so blatant how freaked out the young woman sitting next to me was, and the feeling I got from the mother's comment was that she wanted to feel like she'd offered an out, when really she just didn't want to watch her child.

I do think the young woman disturbed by the child's presence bears some responsibility in speaking up, or explaining to the child that hanging out in someone else's space (or, at least, HER space) is not really acceptable. Obviously there was a line, with him grabbing her water bottle, but she was clearly uncomfortable before that. And she could have told the mother that she was really not okay with the kid being all up in her grill, probably especially since his mom didn't seem to be really paying attention to him. When I have been in that position, I have felt responsible--like if the kid did something dangerous, I would need to tell them to stop. Which is part of why I would bring the kid over to its parent. Or at least talk to him or her (the child).

But I found it to be an interesting dilemma. Also that it's totally inappropriate to bring your child to Whole Foods to do work and behave as though you are in your own home, where other people who may or may not be made to feel uncomfortable by your child's presence and your inattentiveness. Or maybe I'm being too paranoid, and not letting others just be responsible for themselves, and know where their lines are and how to draw them.

End of May

Tomorrow is my birthday. I have one remaining year before I have completed a quarter century on this earth, a teeny tiny blip in the scheme of things. But I am feeling particularly aged. Not old, exactly, but definitely more adult. I can't avoid the fact that I am an adult any longer. I just am. And somewhere along the way, I did begin to feel more adult. This is dull, I realize. But you know what? That's kind of being an adult. It's pretty boring. Which is a whole lot better than it being really stressful or sad or overwhelming. So for now, I'm actually extremely grateful for the mundane. For things being boring. For boring being the biggest problem I have. That's a really awesome problem to have. And I still hope I'm not always bored. But for now, it's better than a lot of the alternatives, and I really do have so much to be thankful for.

Now onto work on those things that need some shaking up! Here's to another adventurous, bewildering, scary year in my life. This one has brought a world I couldn't have imagined. One that is surprisingly stable, despite my efforts. And next year, hopefully by this time I'll be on the shores of a foreign land, relaxing with a delicious drink of some exotic kind and staring into the great abyss of the Atlantic or Pacific. Doesn't matter which. Maybe I'll be by myself. Maybe someone will have come to visit and share the celebration of a completion of 25 years...who knows. But I damn well will not be here. And really, I mean this in the most hopeful, not depressing, way--that's what keeps me going. Knowing that soon, things will be different.

Ok so I'm still bored at work. That's pretty much the end of that thought process. But I really have been doing a lot of reflecting on my life. Introspection. Hah, I realize, I'm always doing that. I'm kinda known for it. But I've been a bit more deliberate about it recently. Working out the problems of what, exactly, it is I do not like about my job, the position in my life, etc. And being really self-centered in a way I've never been, never let myself be, before. Not really listening to what other people think, or certainly not nearly as much as I usually have in the past. One of the bigger realizations I've had is about extremes. I kind of gave up on music because I assumed I wouldn't make it professionally (probably rightly so), but I am recognizing that (duh) just because I don't do it professionally does not in any way limit my ability or the need, really, for me to sing and play guitar in my free time; I can even spend money on it. It's still worth it, because it makes me feel that much better. And I don't think I have ever really recognized that. At least not about music. Actually reminds me of Glee from last week, the one with Neal Patrick Harris, who is out to get arts programs because he feels like they lead him on, and made him erroneously believe he could succeed as a star. Anyway, I saw that and kind of recognized my own thought process, obviously a hyperbolistic version, but it helped me recognize how ridiculous what I was thinking was. And I'd been coming to that conclusion already, but it highlighted it.

There's Always Hope, Even When It's Hard to See

Today was a fantastically emotionally exhausting day. I accompanied a patient downtown to housing court. I'll leave out the details, but she lives in NYCHA (New York City Housing Authority) and is getting evicted due to not following the rules. She's had several chances, and this is sort of the last straw. It's possible she'll be able to stay, but also possible she'll be kicked out. And then she would quite literally be homeless. This is a patient who I feel some strange pull towards--there are those people, you know, who you meet and just feel somewhat drawn to. I always (nearly) feel empathy for people, but she I feel more than most. She's had a hard life--lots of abuse, shit that is just not fair, and despite that she has worked, gotten schooling to do some things, but it just sort of hasn't worked out. She keeps such a positive-seeming attitude, but is also (I think) pretty depressed. Just that she has quite good reasons to be so.

Anyhow, it felt like a death march to me. And that was just kind of sad. She told me some more about her life, which was sad. And the actual hearing wasn't so bad--I think she has a shot at keeping the apartment (though I'm really unclear as to how all of these things work). So we were on the train heading back, after she'd been a bit tearful on and off the whole trip, and she says to me, "thank you so much for coming with me, I would have froze up if you hadn't been there." And something about it just made me want to burst into tears. This woman has had such a hard time. And lord knows she's made her own dumb decisions, and I certainly don't think that deserves any kind of free and clear pass, but I think her biggest fault is letting people walk all over her, because she feels so powerless (and has been) to do anything about it. And I just went with her. Not even representing her in any legal way or anything (obviously, as I am not a lawyer), and she was so appreciative of my coming. By making this simple trip, I made her feel special. It just kind of broke my heart. And reminded me what a difference I can make. That part is nice.

After the trip downtown, I went to a meeting for a project I'll be volunteering for that I'm actually pretty psyched about. It's a microfinance consulting company who is doing a research project on illegal Mexican migrants' remittances and how they might be better spent, particularly on insurance (life, health, lost wages due to illness). So we had a fun little brainstorming meeting about the survey we'll be using, and I really got to be quite a huge part of the question development, which is kind of cool. I'm a bit disappointed I won't be able to go to the regular meeting more (since I have to actually "work"), but I'll be able at least to do the surveys on weekends and be sort of in the loop, and they said they may be able to schedule some meetings at times I could actually come. It was so fun to again be working out phrasing of questions, and talking about research questions and how to turn them into questions to really ask people. I missed that. And I get to be sort of the health care/insurance expert. Which is kind of awesome, and I strangely feel like I can totally do that, especially after paying so much attention to the debate over the past year+. It's just exciting to be able to put that into a paper (even if it's just a small part of the background). More later. Sleep now. I am exhausted. Finally I have a weekend to myself--I'm so so so excited to just relax. Just wish it were on my rooftop in Brooklyn....just not yet. But soon!

Superquick Update

So, I cannot believe it has been over a month since I've updated. There've been a bunch of thing brewing, though some of them I didn't feel I could share about freely.

I went to DC again for a job interview, which was exciting, but after the interview, I actually decided I didn't really want the job. So not getting it didn't come as that huge a shock, nor that great of a disappointment. I was more sad generally not to be moving to DC. Buuut, the weekend did give me some clarity about what I want and the direct direction of my life over the next couple years.

I talked a lot with both Ali, her boyfriend Alex and my sister about life and life directions. I clarified that one of the things I somewhat immediately want to do is graduate school. I also want to really live my life right now. Which obviously is easier said than done. But I have been doing my zumba class, which feels like something. And just pushing things to sort of take shape (more on that later). So graduate school emerged as a real goal. Which, looking back on some things I'd written around New Year's, is nothing new. I just re-clarified.

So I met some new European friends (thanks, CouchSurfing!), went on some dates, and my brother came to visit. Good times, all. And then last week, everything just took off in a massive way.

I had my interview with the Peace Corps last week, and I wasn't totally sure what to expect, but I felt like it went pretty well, and they said it'd be a few weeks before I heard. Monday, I responded to a friend's Facebook post advertising a room in her Brooklyn apartment, and with a bit of drama, I've managed to essentially lock that down. So June 15th, I'm moving to hipsterville, NY, otherwise known as Williamsburg, Brooklyn. Minus the hipsters, I'm totally psyched. The are is really nice, the apartment is immaculate, with a gorgeous rooftop view of Manhattan. Which has basically been my dream since I was 6. Literally. I'll post a picture at some point. But amazing. I think I'll actually feel like I kind of live in New York (a bit ironic since I'll be moving from Manhattan to Brooklyn...). But I'll be 3 stops away from Trader Joe's, 4 from Union Square. Like 3 blocks from a diner. Also a friend from high school will literally be living in the same building. Even better! The roommate situation remains to be seen, but I'm hopeful. So that's the apartment news.

So last Thursday, I decided to take a "personal day" (this magical day between a vacation and sick day in that you can call in the day you want to take it, or plan in advance) so that I could fulfill another dream, to buy myself a guitar. My persuit of this dream began when I went to Rudy's Guitar Stop in Times Square to acquire new strings for my hand-me-down nylon classical guitar and proceeded to try out some of their $1000 guitars. I asked the salesman which guitars were the least expensive and he pointed out the Seagulls, one of which I played. It was nice, and only $500. Which seemed a bit more possible. And sparked my desire for one. Either the best or worst move ever.

So when my brother was in town, we went and he humored my guitar-trying whim at J&R (an electronics store) and Sam Ash. Each of these places had Seagull guitars in the $300 range. At which point I could no longer put off purchasing one. So Thursday, I called out and trekked down to Guitar Center on 14th to check out their selection, feeling a bit crazy, but super-excited. I looked around a bit, tried a couple, selected my baby. Was offered guitar lessons (still deciding whether or not to jump off that bridge). And I have not been able to keep myself away from my gorgeous new baby for more than 24 hours. I love it. Maybe more than my iPhone? Which, for those of you who know me, will understand is quite a feat. Seriously. I love this guitar.

And as if that weren't enough, Thursday morning before I left to purchase said loved item, I received an email (2 days, not 2 weeks--crazy!) indicating that they would like to nominate me for Peace Corps in Central/South America, leaving February 2011 in Health Extension. Uhhhh, can you say exactly what I wanted??!

This is totally subject to change. But still making it to this point turned it into something quite real. And I'm super-excited about that.

My plan now is open mics here in NYC, especially after I move to BK, and just generally trying to enjoy myself before I leave for Peace Corps. So that's what's up. You know. Just another week.

Craziest Week of 2010

This is a long one. Stick with me. Or skip to the end. It's been a couple weeks since I've updated--I've been way busy. Last week, I went to the NIT semi-finals with my friend, Ryan, who went to UNC also, because UNC played (and won against!) University of Rhode Island. I don't think I'd ever met anyone from Rhode Island. It was a place I didn't really know existed...but anyway, what was totally nuts about the game, besides both teams' awful playing, was that URI's color is identical to UNC's. Which was pretty immediately obvious. And then additionally, their mascot is a RAM!!! Which I guess isn't as crazy as if it were a ram AND a tar heel...but STILL. Crazy. Same color, same mascot. Ryan and I heard this URI chick whining, with the help of surly significant amounts of alcohol, "They stole our color AND our mascot!" We felt similarly. But it was a fun little adventure. Wednesday night I got to spend some time with my lovely roommate, Palmer, scoping out hotties at the Columbia Chipotle before he left for Guyana to bring back some cheap, delicious rum.

Thursday, I left for DC on the most horrific round-trip bus ride experience yet (this is what I get for traveling on a holiday weekend I suppose)--we waited for two hours to get on the bus, which would've been kind of annoying, mostly since my cell phone battery was dying, buuuut was made horrendous because this woman behind me talked THE ENTIRE TIME despite the fact that I had head phones in, listening to the Savage Lovecast (which I get a huge kick out of listening to in public...it feels so dirty, and people have no idea...), and part of the time reading/looking at things on my iPhone. It was quite clear to anyone who cared that I didn't really want to have a full conversation. This lady did not care. I discovered the reason when I noticed about an hour through the wait that her teenage son was with her. He had his headphones in, watching a movie or something and laughed periodically. So she's totally used to having someone ignore her! THAT'S why she breezed past my social cues. Anyway, as we were about to get on the bus, an hour and a half later than we were supposed to leave, she starts bitching at the poor guy loading bags in that we won't get to DC until after midnight, and why are we stopping in Philadelphia, and this is so wrong, and repeat. Finally, her son looks up from his iPod, turns to her and goes, "Mom. No one wants to hear you complain. Everyone is annoyed. Just be quiet!" Though she ignored him, I felt so incredibly bad for him. Or perhaps he's fortunate that he has learned to deal with obnoxious people in a reasonable way (at that point, what he said was INCREDIBLY reasonable). The bus ride itself wasn't awful.

The weekend in DC was wonderful--cherry blossoms were in bloom, and I took the day Friday to explore and photograph them, which was fun. I also got to have lunch with my uncle, which was nice. It was a gorgeous, sunny & even hot day. Later, I got to go on a little adventure with Ali since she ran into (and when I say, "ran into" I mean, DROVE into) a curb when she was trying to pick me up, and blew her tire. I heard it hisssss from across the street. Not cool. Her boyfriend changed the tire to the spare that we didn't know if it would fit (but it did!!) and was just generally, as usual, such a trooper. It all worked out. Not exactly our plan for the afternoon, but whatever.

Friday night, I got to hang out with another friend. More, perhaps, on that later.

Saturday, I went to see Clash of the Titans with Ali, Alex (her boyfriend) and Lacey (my sister). We went in 3-D, which I probably wouldn't do again, but it was entertaining. I wasn't blown away, and definitely wouldn't see it again, but it was worth seeing I suppose. Having not seen the original one, it was like Avatar, without the blue people, and in bad 3-D.

Saturday night I made myself a really nice little dinner and just spent some quality time with Lacey's dog, who is one of my favorites, hanging out. It was actually quite nice. And, as anyone who knows me can attest, I appreciated a full night of sleep. Sunday, I went for a 8.6 mile walk around DC with Lacey and a friend of her's, Jeffery, who works in the White House. We had a really fantastic conversation and delectable brunch in the middle. An excellent way to wrap up the weekend, and to spend Easter (if I celebrated it...).

Returning on the bus was, once again, pretty awful, this time due primarily to traffic.

This week was way crazy. Monday was pretty mundane...Tuesday I was sick again. Which was REALLY annoying. But I was pretty productive on my sick day--I sent out some resumes, updated my resume (wrong order--I updated it first). Then Wednesday, at our weekly meeting at work, we found out that our main clinical supervisor is GONE. His last day was Tuesday. Shock of shockers! I do not want to say too much here. Who knows who reads this. But everyone was pretty sad, and mostly did not understand why he'd left (apparently he was offered a choice to be fired or resign. He resigned). Anyway, to discuss this further, you'll have to email or call me directly, but it was a bit surprising. More than anything, I feel really bad for our now-total supervisor, because she will literally have to do both jobs. That sucks.

Wednesday afternoon I got to hang out with Natacha and her kids--we got some food and had a little rock-picnic in Central Park--it was sweet to be able to be outside sans coat into the darkness, which I took further advantage of by trekking down to Brooklyn to meet up with Ryan and a mutual friend from high school, Lindsay. We had some beers out on the patio of a cute little bar, very pleasant. I do love the warm weather. Unfortunately, that has since left us, and today is a bit chillier.

I'm still in the process of getting stuff together for Peace Corps, trying to figure out my life. I'm also not entirely ruling out the possibility of moving to DC. But overall I've been in an excellent mood--things are moving and shaking, in a bigger way, and I'm getting used to that. Life isn't so exciting daily, but that's okay. Oh!! And I finally got my insurance card!

Sick :-(

I've been battling this obnoxious sickness (mainly just throat pain) all week and last weekend. I had an extremely frustrating tussle with trying to go to the doctor. Basically, I still (still!!) have not received my insurance card, though I was supposed to get it in the end of January, or at LEAST by March 18th, and so even though my insurance is active and I have a subscriber number, so I'm technically able to use it, it has to be verified. So when I tried to go to a clinic after work on Monday, they couldn't see me because they were unable to verify that I did, indeed, have insurance. So, I left with my horribly painful throat, in the cold rain. It was not a happy day. Tuesday, I had the first day of my Zumba dance class (yay!) and somehow managed to work through the pain, mostly with the aid of herbal tea and acetaminophen. But I was actually feeling really great and thinking, well maybe I DON'T need to go to the doctor. Cut to Wednesday morning--OUCH. I was in so much pain, I ended up asking my supervisor if I could go to the doctor in the afternoon, which he graciously allowed. So I headed to this Express Urgent care place that I'd found through my insurer (same place I went on Monday), and they were able to verify my insurance and see me. I was in and out in about 2 hours, which I think is pretty reasonable. The doctor I saw was a bit odd, and I despite his saying, "I'm not here to just throw pills at you" about 4 times, it seemed pretty obvious that he wasn't too concerned that I had anything very serious, and gave me a prescription for some penicillin, which I ended up simply paying for out of pocket because it was easier than trying to get the numbers for the pharmacy from my ridiculous insurance.

So that was my adventure in healthcare--frustrating, and kind of a slap in the face after the exciting passage of health care reform. It was a disappointing reminder that HCR won't really change anything (contrary to all the hubbub spouted out by the Conservative Crazies). But Zumba was pretty sweet! And I'm really exciting I'm FINALLY doing something outside of work. I'm also looking for some volunteer research positions to fill some time, give me something to do.

In other life news, I am "babysitting" tonight (yay!) though what that actually means is sitting by myself in an apartment on the UES and having to stay awake until 12am, then 1am to get home. But at least it will get me out of the house. It's cold again, which I'm not appreciating. But I did get to perform last night at a Haiti benefit thing with a coworker, and it was a lot of fun. I'm hoping I'll get to do some more of that while I'm here.

The real exciting news--I submitted my Peace Corps application. Finally (a year later...!). I am super excited about the possibility, and also nervous about this crazy adventure. I'm also going to DC again next weekend, leaving Thursday afternoon since I get Friday off (w00t!). Should be a nice weekend (70s and cherry blossoms...?!), and I'll have a bit more time than I did last time, which will give me a chance to actually explore a bit hopefully.

Oh! I can't believe I almost forgot this--shows how little I care about my job/how small a part of my emotional life it is. We found out this week that the case management program will be cut, over in 60 days. Which doesn't directly affect my work exactly, except that hopefully we'll get some more patients out of it, and my coworkers are probably losing their jobs (that part sucks a lot), including the supervisor who I really respect and appreciate. So that's the sort of downer of the week, the REAL downer. I still kind of can't believe it's real. I think for now, my job is safe, but even our program is down on its numbers. But that's all for now I think. Just tryin'a make it to the next thing, happily and safely.

Adventuring through this life

The past week has been...exciting to say the least. I went to DC last weekend, where both of my parents happened to be visiting, which was awesome. I got to hang out with Ali and both parents and Delacey (sister). It was rainy, but overall a fantastic weekend. I went to Zumba, this dance-exercise class, with Ali and decided to sign up for my own here in NY because it was so awesome (and I've been meaning to do something for a while). It was intense for real, so I'm excited about that, at least for the next 4 weeks.

I found out yesterday that I did not get the job I was hoping to get, which was quite a downer. But so goes life. And because of that, as is my theme for the year, I decided to move onward and upward and revisit my options. I do want to go to graduate school, and so I looked into doing this Master's International program with the Peace Corps, but it turns out to get funding, it's already past the dates to apply for grad school programs. So I decided to just go ahead and submit my Peace Corps application instead, which I should've done a long time ago. But now the process has begun (as of like 5 minutes ago), and I'll see where it takes me. I will also keep applying for other jobs as I hear about/see them, either here, in DC, or in the Triangle area. And I will just see what happens. I woke up this morning with an annoying sore throat, so I took a sick day to hopefully recover. I think it helped.

The best thing is the weather--it is finally (finally!!) gorgeous here. And that is very exciting. I went for a walk with my friend, Natacha, and her kids (who had to share one scooter, which was challenging). I'm also looking into volunteering for some kind of research project so that I won't be so bored, and can get some more research experience under my belt.

While it is frightening to be young and have no idea what I'm doing with my life, I can't deny that it is exciting. And I do think I'm getting the hang of going after things, them not working out, and moving on. I'm so. frustrated. But I'm also hopeful. And I had a nap today. So it's all good.

ps--I'd like to note that I changed the title. I decided that it was more correct to say that I am learning to be an adult. Because I am. And now that it's been nearly two years since I was even close to being able to claim that I wasn't an adult, it's time to stop pretending.

Sleepless Ranting

I am trying to get to sleep, which I've been a bit better about recently, but I am kept awake by the ranting going on in my head, so I'll type it out and hopefully this will allow me some peaceful sleep.

This is, in fact, an addendum to my most recent post, The REAL Rules, in which I discuss some of the more ridiculous things people say in online personals. But this is just seriously incredible; awesomely ridiculous. This guy wrote me a nice little message, saying I'd caught his eye and whatever. So I wrote him back requesting that he write a bit more, as his profile essays are blank (this should have been red flag number 1; ignored). I am trying to give people the benefit of the doubt. Evidently this is a mistake. So this dude writes me back a very nice, extensive message that was pretty interesting, mostly grammatically sound, etc etc. He sounded thoughtful, intelligent, and aside from his being born in a certain country that will not be named from which I have known 3 men, 2 of whom ripped my heart to shreds, there seemed to be no more red flags. Until at the very end of this long and decent message falls this line:

oh and i have to say it makes me a little nervous that you work with HIV patients, does it make me a bad person? i think my preoccupation is reasonable.

BOOM. WHAT. THE. EFF?? There are several things wrong with this. I'm going to go with the simple first--preoccupation: an extreme or excessive concern with something. Really? As in, you are preoccupied by the fact that I work with HIV positive patients, meaning that you are concerned about how this could impact our nonexistent relationship? I suppose it is a valid use of the word, but it seems excessive. Which is why I'm upset about the rest of it. Here are some potential responses:

• Not sure I would consider entering into a sexual relationship with someone so incredibly uninformed about how STIs are transmitted.
• Actually, I work with HIV positive patients because I am HIV positive...JK, but that sinking, disgusted feeling you just got? Yeah, that's why I'd never date you.
• Um, well considering that I neither share needles nor have unprotected sex with anyone, much less my patients, my risk of contracting HIV is pretty low.

Please feel free to add more.

I am so upset by this, partly on behalf of the really interesting, amazing folks I've met who happen to be HIV positive. For one thing, it is not a death sentence. Period. The patients I know who take care of themselves are healthy and many have lived 10, 15 years with the diagnosis. It is a chronic health issue, just as diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol are. It just happens to be transmitted, sexually. I'm disgusted (and also a little confused) about why this guy is worried--does he honestly not know how HIV is transmitted? And if he does, does he really think I'm at risk because I'm around people who are HIV positive?! For one thing, HIV is actually a pretty difficult virus to catch, if you're taking precautions (read: not using IV drugs and using condoms when having sex). The only reason it is still an issue is because people refuse to take condoms seriously and because they have the attitude (and knowledge) of this guy, coupled with the idea that you can tell someone is positive. Which, I can tell you from meetings many dozens of people who are positive, you cannot. They come in all shapes, sizes, socio-economic class, ethnicity. Which is why EVERYONE should protect themselves! It ain't difficult. Testing + condoms = HIV negative. People are so scared of this virus that they plug their ears when learning about it. But education is key. Like I say, it is not an easy virus to catch. I'd be a lot more worried about Hep B if I hadn't been vaccinated. Which since this guy grew up in the unnamed country, he may not have been vaccinated against. And likelihood he's heard of that? Quite low.

I'm totally split in this case between writing a little education STI transmission lesson, bitching him out, or ignoring it (this is like a fuschia flag though, right??). Who am I to judge? Perhaps he has never been interested in STIs and health. Maybe he just doesn't care. I guess that's the problem I have--people think they can ignore this stuff, just float through life without their ignorance being a problem. But it is. This is something that affects us all. And in my opinion (because you asked), no one who doesn't generally understand the basics of STI transmission has any business having sex. Unfortunately that isn't my call.

Maybe I'm reading this wrong. Maybe he's worried about me? Like, he thinks it is a stressful environment and it is emotionally draining? He is nervous that in our perhaps relationship he will have to emotionally support me through tough times dealing with difficult patients? But he does say he's nervous. I'm just still confused about what he is nervous about--that I will have HIV because I'm around people with it? That is just so...ignorant and sad. As I say, on behalf of my patients, I am livid. And he questions whether he is a bad person. To that, I answer, dude--you are not a bad person, you are uninformed. And I would like you to be informed. I would not like you to be my sex partner, due to your uninformedness. kthxbai!

The REAL Rules

So I have been on several dating websites over the past 2 years. I've met some interesting people, most of whom I never interacted with again, but a couple with whom I've stayed in touch, and I do still believe it might be possible to meet someone on one that I would actually want to date. I've never been particularly aggressive about it, but rather seen it as a way to expand my horizon in terms of meeting new interesting people who I would never meet under other circumstances. Firstly, I'd like to say that I think I have vastly overestimated the number of awesome people in the world. Probably because I'm from Chapel Hill. There is just a much smaller percentage of awesomeness everywhere else. I'm a little biased, perhaps, but I do think that there's something about CH...something that attracts interesting, intelligent, fun, funny, talented people. It's probably UNC. But other places have universities, and lots of lame people go to UNC, so I don't know.

Anyway, none of this is the point and I'm getting really rant-y (excited about my interview tomorrow!!!). I just came across a profile one one of said dating websites where someone posted a picture with the caption, "Me and my girlfriend in 2006." Now, it's fine that you had a girlfriend in 2006. But let's be serious, rule number 1 of dating websites is NOT to post pictures of you with a girlfriend. That's just stupid. Right? I kind of can't believe it. But it also made me think about some of the other weird things people have said in their profiles/messages to me. The other day, I received a message entitled "I'm confused..." and containing the message "are you shy or something?" I have no idea WTF this guy was talking about. I think I'm pretty upbeat/open/not shy in my profile essays. And pictures. It's weird. And then this other guy recently sent me a message entitled "Hi":

hey whats up my name is [insert name] im 26 just got out the military looking for cool new friends i believe everything starts with a friendship. I seen ur profile i think ur a fun outgoing person and would like to get to know you better i love to dance and enjoy the outdoors what are some things you like to do for fun ?well hope to here from you bye P.S cute pics whats ur nationality?

Seriously?? I mean, I admit it's kinda sweet, but PROOFREAD, people! It's like a 6 year old could have written this. And his profile was lots of caps (though not entirely, which is just...weirder) and similarly mis-spelled (I have this special place on my hate list for "u" instead of "you" or "ur" instead of "your" or "you're." Additionally, this young man is unfamiliar with correct conjugation, and likes to point out the obvious--"I seen ur profile" is the most offensive line to me. Of course you HAVE seen my profile. Also can you not add two letters to "ur" to make it correct?? Is it that much trouble? Maybe some periods and capitalization while you're at it. The nationality think is kind of a cool question, but I said I was white...I'm just kind of wondering what nationality he suspects I am, and also if he knows the definition of nationality, instead of perhaps heritage. But I'll let that one slide). Also, we're 33% of a match, based on how we've answered a bunch of questions about what we want in relationships and our values. What makes you think I would like you, or even respond?? Just as that dude who wrote me the previous message, I'm confused.

I could go on about the 20 or so guys I've met in person, too, but overall, they were not so bad, there was just no connection. Or they seemed...scared? of me.

I will say, on the plus side, I've gotten to meet lots of people who are in their own ways, quite interesting and as I said, I never would have met. Maybe for the best, but I think it's been a good way to spend some time. And I don't actually feel like my online dating luck has been any worse than my in-life dating luck. In fact, I think in some ways it's been more worthwhile. In real life, I've had some weird dating shit happen to me as well. I guess my point in all of this is to give a shout-out to internet dating. At some point, I'll probably write a bit more. As for now, I just wanted to mostly share about that guy and his girlfriend picture, just as an example of how naive people can be about what "works," just in life in general. I'm consistently astonished at peoples' idiocy. But whatever. I'm learning to deal.

This Progress

I went to see an exhibit on Valentine's Day (yesterday) at the behest of my sister, who was in town and wanted to go to this exhibit at the Guggenheim. I knew pretty much zero about it when I arrived to find a long line winding down Central Park West between 89th and 88th. My sister Delacey and her friends, a coworker and his partner, arrived and we waited in the line (I guess I should say "on" the line, since it was in New York. I just can't bring myself to do it...!). Delacey said it was somewhat...strange, but that it was perhaps better that I didn't know what to expect. An older woman came out while we were waiting "on" line and said we would be disappointed because "There's nothing in the rotunda. It's an experience, but disappointing." Wellll, let me just say, in some delicious irony, this piece has been put on a list for me that is really short of life-changing art. I haven't really discussed it in any tangible way up unto this point, but now's as good a time as any, no? I would write more about the piece(s), This Progress and The Kiss, but there is plenty written about the actual pieces, which I'll link to. Alas, this is MY blog. So it's personal, but disappointed is not what I'd say. Hardly.

"The End of the Weekend" by Anthony Hecht This is a poem that my High School Senior English teacher gave us to read. The whole year was actually pretty influential for me in terms of actually appreciating literature, but this poem has stuck with me, even nearly six years later. I'm not sure exactly what it was about the poem--it's a fairly simple poem. I think it really was the way my teacher had us examine the symbolism. I suppose I should explain that until this point, I was extremely cynical about interpretation in literature or poetry, I just thought people wrote things and that it was sort of bullshit to read into them. But this poem is beautiful and haunting, both in its surface reading, and also when it is dissected a bit. The words Hecht chooses are clearly well-thought out. Intentional. For the first time in my life, I began to believe that some symbolism was truly intentional and thought-out. I realized that more than anything, the reason I did not believe this about poetry previously was because I hadn't had the right coaching, and wasn't reading the right poems. And I still think a lot of reading into things is useless. But this was step one in appreciating those that are really meant to be pulled apart, enjoyed like a some kind of very messy, juicy fruit instead of sterile in a glass.


Singer by Jump, Little Children This I can't link to, but if you want to listen to, I'd be happy to share my music directly. Just ask. This song is amazing. Raw, beautiful, sexy, dark. Jump, Little Children, for those who know me well, is a group who I feel sort of defines who I am. If you like their music, I'll probably like you. At least kind of. But this song, more than any of the others, I find enchanting. It's really sad, and about impermanence, more than anything. Living in the moment. And while their music and concerts have filled a part of my emotional life that have inspired me to liken them to "my religion" on many occasions, this song is one meant to be listened to, felt. Meant to be present to. Their other music can be background music, but Singer is an experience. The last line is "This song will be over and so will you and me/this song will be over and so will you and me/this song--" and then the music just ends. Powerful.

Tristes Tropiques by Claude Levi-Strauss I read this book as a part of a class Senior year of undergrad called Rituals and Rhetoric by the previous dean of the Religious Studies Department, who was a funny and delightful gentleman, Ruel Tyson. Like that English class in high school with the End of the Weekend, I do give quite a bit of credit to the manner in which this incredible book was taught. Still, it was an experience to read this book, much unlike any other I've had reading a book. It's basically about Claude Levi-Strauss, one of the pioneering anthropologists in the Twentieth Century, and his journey to Brazil, the Caribbean and India. But it is not primarily about the places, but his internal struggle over how to be an anthropologist, and what that means. He was way before his time in terms of thinking of culture as a construct, not something definitive. And part of what struck me about the book (which I don't even think I've read all of--we just read excerpts for class) was how it defied categorization. Though it is "about" his travels, there is an entire chapter about the difficulty of capturing a sunset, which serves as a fantastic metaphor for anthropology. I still intend to read the whole thing from start to finish, but even having only read what I have, it just struck me as so true.

And now we have come to my most recent brilliant discovery. Tino Sehgal. I've read a few of the articles about his philosophy on art since going to the exhibit. Basically, he feels like there's enough stuff in the world, and he wants to create things that are impermanent. Which is, more than anything, honest. The reality is, going to the Metropolitan Museum of Art and looking at the pots and statues and rugs and etcetera is only seeing it in its context, at the time. The color is maybe a little different than when people were actually using these items. Paintings are different when they are all together. Context and time are inescapable. Sehgal just admits that, and doesn't try to run away from it, even embracing it. Some of it is that experiencing the exhibit kind of caught me off guard. I was going like I went to the Tim Burton exhibit at MoMA (which is cool, just not mind-blowing or even really particularly thought-provoking).

What these things have in common is, I think, pushing me to realize the capabilities of each medium--poetry, songs, books, art. They are all capable of achieving this connection, this rare moment of truth. And I have seen so many other poems, songs, books or art exhibits that have been cool, interesting, maybe even made me think a bit. But these are the ones that stick with me. The ones where I feel a real connection with the person who created each piece of art, like I'm somehow seeing into their souls, just for a moment. And one thing said in one of the articles by Sehgal about what his point was, more or less, is taking a world that is full of STUFF, which is what artwork generally is, and bringing it back to being about relationships.

Real, raw, haunting, inescapable, enchanting truth.



Making Art Out of An Encounter [New York Times]
You Can't Hold It, But You Can Own It [New York Times]
In the Naked Museum: Talking, Thinking, Encountering [New York Times]
Art World Drama! Tino Sehgal Calls the New York Times "Crass" [W Magazine]
Tino Sehgal [W Magazine]
How I Made an Artwork Cry [New York Magazine]

Who'da Thunk?

The title. This is referring to the fact that the person (Natacha) who I've been hanging out with most recently is a bit older than me, but more importantly has two children who are 7 & 9.

So I'm on my way to a superbowl party in New Jersey at a VISTA's place, and I'm coming from Queens after ice skating with a coworker and her kids, sister and sister's kids. Lots of fun, especially because the skating was indoors, which made it actually warmer than inside, and the skates were really good quality, so I could actually skate a bit. I hung out with Natacha and her kids pretty much all weekend--I think this is the most I've done on a weekend in a long time. Maybe since NC. Friday, I went to Noche de Amor at Natacha's kids' school, which was CRAZY--so many elementary kids running all over. But it was cool. Then I went home to sleep, which was fine--I played a little guitar first, which was a continuation of, or inspired by, my performance at work earlier. I had to play guitar and sing for National Black AIDS Awareness Day, and then I just kinda wanted to keep playing.

Then Saturday, Natacha invited me to this winter day in the park (Central), where they make snow and have skiing lessons and stuff. I met her at a bowling alley because Nicholas, her son, was at a birthday party there, and then we met up with Danielle, her daughter and friend Alisa with HER mom, Cynthia, to go to the winter thing. It was super cold, and I dumbly failed to wear enough clothes, so I was a bit cold, but it was fine, cool to get out and do something. Then we went back over to Cynthia and Alisa's on the Upper West Side to hang out a bit.

I had plans to get dinner and see improv with my friend Ryan, and the timing could not have been better--so we went to dinner, which was great, and improv, which was funny, though definitely far from the best I've seen. It happens. When I got home, Adel was there and he and Palmer were up shooting the shit, so we all hung out for a bit. And then today I woke up and Natacha said she and the kids were going ice skating and invited me. I had a little adventure getting there because the train I was supposed to take was under construction. But I eventually got there. We ate some lunch and got to skate a bit. And now I'm heading to a superbowl party--more exciting navigation of the mass transit system of greater NYC! But it's been really nice to have low-pressure things to do. I almost forgot what it was like to actually be willing to get up and do something. And I still got to sleep enough :).